|
| Good Morning Beautiful... Mhmm, that's right, I don't really have much news.. I think I'm gonna post one of my songs, take it and i'll hunt yer hed... :: Titled and Untitled :: It's always the same bullshit why can't you be happy for me?
you cut the lights
you flash your teeth
I've found it finally
i made it my own
you took me away
you left me alone
paint these words with colors of distress
whats the cause of all these nightmares?
what the fuck is next?
how can you smile down on me?
your sick...
can't see...
I'm dying
and you like that
everytime i reach to you you pull back
pull away, peel away the face that's hiding the fear
moving right along, here we go again...
are you really that tough?
such an intangible motherfucker but i can see right through you're vanity...
i watch you stumble forward towards the sound of resentment
why?
fuck you...
you lie...
you lie through your eyes...that's why you can't see
one last drink from the bottle before it breaks
and i promise you, you'll take the fall for us all... you will...
you'll take the fall for us all.. you will
you'll take the fall for us all.. you will
you will.. fall... | | |
| Oh my god it's freezing, you should see me.. I look retarded, seriously... i wish i had my camera.. wow but anyway, i've been thinking, and there's a lot of anger hidden deep inside that just isn't going to go away until i vent it, i think that's what i'm going to do now.. try and remember though, im tired, i haven't slept yet so some of this may make little or no sense.... kthanks ^.^ I'm just gonna start rambling on about things that pissed me off and still bother me to this day.. won't this be fun -- this first thing that comes to mind, you probably guessed it.. it's you know who, the asshole himself, travis...there's so many times i remember, so many things he did, so much shit he's said....aaagghh....one time in perticular i remember is the night his dad was killed, i was there...i saw it, i let him take everything out on me...i had no feelings...i witnessed a murder and i somehow felt it was my duty to have all of his pain taken out on me. i went through hell that night. he's gotten drunk so many times.. he's gotten abusive so many times, i took it for the longest time, without a second thought as to maybe i should do something about it. he's a bitch, i didn't deserve anything he did to me, the hitting, the yelling, the rapes... another person who truly pisses me the fuck off is my dad... i don't even want to get into that one... my teachers... my family... phil.. you bastard phil!! RRRRRGGH!! dr. mahmood, that stupid nurse, tim, stephen, ryan, danelle, bobby boy, that one bitch with the hair!!, mr. smith, mr. steele, jake, mikey, craig, chain smokers, crack babies, people who yell, abusive husbands, lying wives, ugly houses, unpainted nails, hippies, communists, the french, the canadian, wiggers, niglets, people who can't type, people who laugh at me when im trying my damndest to be serious, mick's mom, travis's friends, seth, computers that freeze, 50,000,000,000 porn popups, my perverted brother, stupid emo hair, emo music, emo adam, emo eddie, emo kids in general, guys who wear eyeliner, guys who wear girl pants, anyone with a lisp, people who play dungeons and dragons, when no one fills up the ice trays, having to go pee, the cold, the heat, dirty sheets, finding out theres no soap in the shower once you're already in and wet..., no milk for yer cereal, foriegners who ask to see yer cam, people who BUZZ you on yahoo if you don't reply within .001 seconds, squeaky doors, the sound of someone's fork against their plate, little kids, stupid babies, ugly dogs, hairless cats, people who stare, having to put things up because you don't have enough cash on you, being tired, running out of meds, when people lock the door, no towels in the closet, no gas in the car, overgrown grass, too many lawn decorations, geo metros, cheap tape, renting movies that don't play, the power going off, someone resetting yer saga, ugly shoes, dead batteries, people who can't read, people who can't light their cig, overly outgoing people, greasy hair, gangsta's who hate, don't touch my face!!, don't take my drink, don't ask for help, don't say sorry...... i could go on but my eyes are about to melt....ill finish this later.. i need something...im not sure what.. maybe a life... -- bekah <3 | | |
| Ugh.. not looking forward to this. An appointment with Dr. Mahmood dude.. 4:30, right after a nice chat with my caseworker about not paying fer my meds. this is gonna suck so bad. just kill me now.. i don't think i can take looking at her face again... its just too much... and in other news, my brother saw a clown in the backyard.. how fucked up is that.. looks like my dog won't be getting fed today.. -- bekah <3 //edit// okay so.. mahmood wasn't really that bad, i had to take the brat though.. he listens to me pretty good.. to an extent, but anyone else.. oh no.. don't even try.. if you tell him not to hit you, he's gonna hit you fer saying that, if he wants you to go to mcdonalds.. maver fuccker you suppose to drive there! chyeah.. the kid has a mouth.. ill give him that much. we got to my appointment like.. 10 minutes early.. so instead of going straight in, my dad had the awesome idea of us waiting in the car until time to go... it was not good, at all.. my dad ended up flipping the fuck out.. he smacked the kid, more than once, and not just on the wrist or mouth.. it was bad.. it made me all... i don't know.. i don't want to talk about it.. he just kept saying, don't hit me!! don't! hit! me!! i wanted to cry.. i knew how the kid felt.. he reminds me of maself.. after 10 minutes of that and trying to get his shoes and socks back on... we went inside.. i had a new nurse.. a fat bitch of a nurse that is.. i really hate her.. my old nurse was nice.. a bitch, she wouldn't let me know how much i weigh.. but better.. this new lady.. she was all.. "wow bekah, looks like we've gained some weight finally" WHAT THE FUCK!! bitch ive been starving myself the past three weeks and you just tell me.. ive gained weight.. and if that wasnt enough she has to giggle and tell me how many pounds.. BITCH DIE I HATE YOU.. "looks like we finally got 8 lbs back on" omg... i am a sick fat bitch.. ugh.. someone kill me now.. i finally know how much i weigh.. 143lbs. yeah, thats right i weigh 143lbs.. you wanna say something.. do it. make my fucking day. annnyway.. after that i got to see mahmood, i was trying my damnedest fer him not to see my 'long night' yeah.. rockin the deftones hoodie, it was goin good until he hands me the little script and my sleeve moved.. "oh rebekah, not a good habit to get back into yeah? would you like more thearapy, increase meds, stay a few nights?" aaaaaaaaaagggghhhh!! no!! i just cut myself sometimes, not cause i wanna die, just because.. i don't know.. im weird like that, if i had a bad day i can relax this way.. it makes me feel better about myself to see me down and bloody. i dont know how, but get used to it. if it wasnt fer my wicked sick communication skillz id already have a bed reserved.. oh no.. i can't take anymore farkle.. that shit is the worst... anyway.. ill be back.. i gotta make dinner.. of course i won't be eating it.. but i do still have to make it.. ugh... | | |
| for some reason everytime i close my eyes the worst of all those images comes back. i thought about making this a private post but... i dont know, does it matter, as long as i just talk about it right? thats what mahmood said. i really do, want to talk about it that is... its so hard.. especially to you're friends, you know they'll support you 100% but theres something that makes you feel guilty, makes you second telling them. i've hurt a lot of people by keeping quiet. and i don't want that anymore. maybe if i talk about it once, good... it'll go away, at least that's what im hoping for here... the first time, i was so scared... i didn't know what to do, i was afraid to tell him to stop, afraid to fight him off.. what if it was my fault.. i must of done something that lead to this.. it's the only explination.. i love him, he loves me.. this kind of thing doesn't happen, it's all a mistake.. it'll be over soon. it was so cold that night, i was so cold... the second time, i was a little more prepared, to fight him off... i was still scared, afraid to make a sound. i held my breath for as long as my lungs would allow, he was getting upset that i was so quiet... i told him no... he told me no and became more forceful, more uncontrollable.. i held my breath again, i thought about my mom.. i started to cry, i didn't make a sound.. but i started to cry.. to be honest.. i thought this was a phase.. i thought it would never happen again, i still thought it was my fault... maybe it was.. but even then, no one deserves this... the next time, i was babysitting, he came over.. i told him no, i pleadded with him.. i didn't want him to wake my nephew up, i didn't want him to be a part of this.. i wanted him out.. he wouldnt leave.. i started walking towards the backroom.. he forced me against the wall, i held my breath and closed my eyes... i was taken to the ground, i wanted so bad to just crawl away.. i can't tell you how i felt that day... i was on my stomache, i couldn't move at all.. but something kept telling me if i just tried, i could make it, i could get away, i tried.. he grabbed one of my arms by the wrist and held it to my back, and with his other forearm he held my neck to the ground... it was over.. i felt like a fugitive, this wasn't right... the worst thing of all though... my cat, he saw everything, he watched... he just kept watching.. i didn't want anyone to know.. not even my cat... after he left, i took a shower.. i felt so... broken, i remember for a moment i sat down, i sat there the water was still running, it was somewhat comforting to an extent.. i didn't know what to do, i didn't know what to think i just closed my eyes.. that was the longest shower i have ever had to take... the time after this, it came totally unexpected, it was him... and four of his friends. i was scared, i was cold, i was angry, i knew what was going to happen.. i didn't have a doubt in my mind. i wanted to cry so hard, i didn't though... they were touching me, i hated it.. that's when i reliazed he didn't love me.. and this wasn't a phase.. after each and everyone of them had their fill... they left me, i didn't know where i was.. i didn't care... i wanted to die.. there wasn't any way out of this one.. i had to do something, that was such a long walk home...on the way i decided, i had to leave, i had to get out, this wasnt going to stop unless something was done....i was far too afraid to tell anyone, so i left... it happened two more times... and then i moved, i moved 4 hours away, with my grandparents, they didn't know why i was there.. i didn't care, i didn't really know them, i haven't seen them since my mother died, they seemed nice enough though... oh my god i want coolguy... i have to go -- bekah | | |
| fuck this sucks so much ass... no bekah NO... i can wait.. i can totally wait.. i can.. its tempting.. but i can wait... really.. i can.. i can.. its not really that much longer.. i can do it.. fer real! it's just not fair.. fuck.. it's right here.. right fucking here infront of me... but no.. i have to support the band and wait until the 31st like everyone else... god hates me... fuckfuckfuck... im so pissed, i wanna hit my brother... he looks so comfy, it's making me sick... it's making me want to break shit. God damn humanity and it's comfort.... RRRAHG -- bekah out </3 | | |
|
